Sex is sex is sex ~ from casual sex and hook ups to what women REALLY want

*disclaimer ~ this blog contains sexual content that might be inappropriate for younger readers at least under the age of 16 who stumble in here.

Well I originally was planning on writing a nice little blog about the laws of attraction and how chemistry comes into play in choosing a mate and I am sure that I can expound on that somewhat in this blog but I figured I would write about something that is happening every night in America, Hell, probably during the daytime too.  That would be casual sex or the hook up as it is known as now days.  I just call it getting laid.

Y’know I think it is pretty obvious that I have no issues with sex even after the horrendous things I have endured but at the same time I wonder about the way that the whole situation is being treated and if there is even any empathy involved anymore.  I am one of those rare individuals that have had few sexual partners but I can say I am FAR from innocent.  You are probably asking yourselves what right do I have to write on this subject and I will be happy to tell you.  One thing, I have many years of sexual experience and the emotional aftermath that goes with it, much more than most people that are involved with your average hook up now days.  I also know the human psyche and have many young friends who do or have participated in this lifestyle.

Now this was what I would have called a fun time back in the day 🙂

My thoughts have differed drastically over the years on the subject, I mean when I was young I just wanted to have fun and jumping in bed with a group of people and having crazy sex was just what it was CRAZY, FUN and DANGEROUS.  Some of us are compelled to act out in a promiscuous and narcissistic manner but I will get to that later. For the majority of my life monogamy was very important to me but I get it now guys, you want to have ubiquitous sex without the work.  You think it is gonna be so easy and no one will be accountable at the end of the night.  WRONG.

Now sometimes you are at a party and you spot someone and there is just a force bigger than the two of you that says “I need to fuck this guy or girl right here, right now”, well more than likely that would be the science lesson of this blog and what they call chemistry.  So when we talk about relationships we often hear someone say “oh I just have so much chemistry with him” OK so do we really even have a concept of what this means or are we just talking out of our asses?

All joking aside we could actually put on our little white lab coats and look at the science of it all.  There is an actual science to that chemical attraction.  Is this the ONLY factor in finding a mate?  I doubt it.  If so we would all be with that perfect match for us because we would all be in a constant state of chemical bliss.

There are actual chemicals aside from the “pheromones” we have heard about for many years that cause us to feel love and sexual arousal of sorts. Phenylethylamine is a natural amphetamine that floods the region of the brain that is involved in sexual excitement and can cause you to fall in love with someone.  Oxytocin is often referred to as the love hormone that is released in intimate touch, massage, eye contact, hugs, and orgasms… It is typically released in intense emotional states and increases intimacy and bonding in sexual relationships. Oxytocin comes from the pituitary gland and studies have shown that levels increase during orgasms and intimate touch. Dopamine and Serotonin figure in there as well.

So when they say the brain is the largest sex organ in the body they mean it.  I guess guys that means that the almighty dick is not the ONLY thing that keeps us girls going in the sexual arena…FYI

THIS is what gets your “actual” juices flowing

Where are you going with all this Nancy?  Well the point is you can jump into bed and have a great time, you might actually cum but the problem is you won’t actually have that full body orgasm that we all really strive for.  Some of you guys/girls reading this might be saying “full body orgasm ~ huh”?? But of course you won’t admit it, well there is this thing, it’s called GOOD SEX, AMAZING SEX. Not just some random hook up with someone that you feel apathy for and could give a shit if you see them again.  Without the touching and intimate contact that comes with a passionate encounter which I really doubt would be present in a typical hook up, you can’t trigger these chemicals and therefore not get the biggest “bang” for your buck.

Sometimes what seems like a simple little thing like “hooking up” turns into shame and sorrow for some girls who aren’t as ready as they think for the emotional backlash

I will once again re-iterate as I have said in more than one blog that I don’t give a shit who you fuck as long as you are not abusing your mind and your body but see, here is the deal, no matter how much you think you are in control, in a way if you have these random hook ups over and over and over and over, you really ARE abusing both of those things.  You are discounting your self-worth and putting yourself out there to be “pumped and dumped” <–(saw that online somewhere can’t take credit for that little jewel).  You will find that it is these kinds of guys that look at you as more of a test tube or beaker to shoot their wad in and nothing more.  They could care less if you get off, believe me reciprocity is NOT in their vocabulary.

At the same time I kind of get it.  You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You want a relationship so you go out and hook up with these guys in “hopes” they may be the one because you don’t want to be that little wall flower waiting on the sidelines for your perfect man. At the same time you don’t want to have to sell your soul and be in one or more shitty relationships in the process of finding Mr. Right.  Go for Mr. Right Now, he will keep you warm at night.  The only problem with this theory is that you will wake up cold and lonely in the morning so was it worth it in the long run?

Before any of the 2 men that read my blog get up in arms about this, although this seems to be mainly geared towards women, it is also aimed at you too and NOT in a bad way. My conjecture would support that not ALL men are emotionless robots that only care about self-gratification.  I am sure that there are more than a few of you that actually HAVE feelings and even though you partake in the hook ups as well as these young women, you are feeling the same lingering dissatisfaction in the long run.  Although studies have shown that men are far less likely to get upset by a shitty hook up, I think that anyone with one ounce of humanity would have to feel at least SOMETHING.  Maybe I am just too ideological about all of this.

I think this picture gets my point across and then some…

So I thought I would expound on a few of the points that I was talking about.  Seeing as how I grew up in an entirely different time, the definition of a hook up is completely different to what it was back then.  Back then you had a one night stand ie: just sex and that was pretty much it.  I find it very interesting and amusing to find that in this sexual culture the amount of oral sex or should I say fellatio that goes on in these hook ups (god knows it doesn’t seem to be going the other way around).  Now don’t get me wrong, I am never one to judge anyone from wanting to suck a dick, hey I’m all for it, let’s just say we all have to have a hobby. What seems funny to me is that these women don’t seem to have a CLUE on the PROPER way to do it.  I have had discussions with more than one young woman and more than a few older women who had NO CLUE how to give head correctly.  I was shocked, I kind of thought this was just a given on something you would know how to do it properly or feel it is necessary to learn.

I guarantee you girls if it is a relationship you are looking for, as crass as this sounds, oral sex is just something that is required for that relationship.  If you are not giving your man head than you can just expect him to push you aside and go someplace else.  If you REALLY want to keep your man, oral sex is key, TRUST and BELIEVE that.  My suggestion is you learn how to do it properly so you can keep your man satisfied, because if you suck (not literally) there are plenty of other girls who have the skills you lack.  Girls we have almost all of the power in this arena because men will do just about anything to get it and if it is good I have actually had men beg for it.

OK guys, I’m gonna give you a little hint too.  Shhhhh, don’t tell anyone (actually tell EVERYONE) that women, I am talking about women that are maybe a little older because I honestly don’t know how younger women feel about it now days, LOVE oral sex.  No, not giving but receiving.  You are probably think OMG gross, well let me tell you if it is clean enough to stick your dick in, what the fuck is the problem, I mean really?

When a man can’t get the job done we ALWAYS have something to fall back on

You men probably don’t know that about 60 percent of the women you fuck during these hook ups don’t actually have an orgasm.  They either A) fake it B) have never had an orgasm, think they have and don’t have a clue (not uncommon for the age) or C) cum just a little but not the big O.

It is well known that many women cannot actually achieve an orgasm without “help” from either oral sex or masturbation.  Once again guys, your dicks are not the end all of our lives.  Nice but NOT as necessary as you think they are.

You know in the kuma satra it talks about older women teaching the younger women how to be good lovers.  I don’t have a problem with this within limits.  I am not going to teach my daughter the point of how to give a blow job, not at the tender age of 13 BUT I am also not going to tell her sex is bad as long as she is emotionally ready to do it. We all know that the puritanical ideology about sex in the moral majority would have a shit fit over that.  God forbid if our daughters actually knew anything about sex or didn’t think sex was evil or something.  Remember what we were taught when we were young?? SEX WILL KILL YOU and MASTURBATION WILL MAKE YOU GO BLIND!!!!! Well I am neither dead nor am I blind, especially not from THAT.

this is MY idea of a passionate encounter

I suppose you are wondering what the fuck?? She was just saying don’t randomly hook up!!! Well, I did sort of.  Listen I honestly have to say that if the circumstances were right (I mean they would have to be A LOT different than they are now) then I would not have a problem just going out and getting laid BUT it wouldn’t be with some dude I just met.  I would at least try seeing the guy once or twice first, even if they weren’t exactly dates.  Familiarity doesn’t always breed contempt (at least not right away).  I just think there is a difference between a young girl using hook ups and casual sex for entirely the wrong reasons, which might not be strong enough to suffer the consequences or even be naïve enough to know that there WILL be consequences.  There are always consequences to every action whether it is sex or not.  On the other hand there are many strong women young and old that know EXACTLY what they want and need and have no problem going out and getting it.  They have no delusions of grandeur when it comes to where the “relationship” is headed and it is all about self-gratification and empowerment. Me myself, reguardless of anything I expect from a “relationship” I see sex as a passionate encounter EVERY TIME. Without passion, whats the point? Give it your all or don’t give it at all but that still does not equate to a lifetime of bliss because you rocked some guys world for a night, it means you like sex and you are good at it plain and simple.

some women feel like they have the right to keep it locked away without a promise of some sort of commitment

Yes, relationships can be narcissistic on the female side too.  We use sex as a weapon and a tool to get what we want.  I won’t lie, I get off on the fact that I have all the power when a man wants me to suck his dick, he will do almost anything for it and that sense of empowerment is a turn on like no other but then again I am a power hungry bitch when it comes to sex.  It may not be that way for all of you.  The one thing I CAN tell you is that women commonly use their sexual whiles to bargain for a long term relationship. They know what they want and they also know what is required to get it.

this is not what real life or a REAL love relationship is like no matter how much we want it to be

Plenty of women can get past the idea of a love relationship being like living in the land of magical fairies and unicorns and they tend to end up happier in the long run because they know the score, and that is that men want sex plain and simple.  Men are not prone to the lovey dovey bullshit that we women want and denying them of sex is kind of like denying us the cuddling that we crave.  I’m not saying you have to fuck 24/7 because quite frankly that is just not realistic and there is a point when it just doesn’t feel all that good to us women.

So what happens after the sex? Yeah it was great but does the guy or girl for that matter want to “hook up” again or do you just feel like a piece of shit that got used and abused?  Most women feel that men just want to use and discard them, with little consideration of their emotional needs… Let’s face it; you knew what you were getting into before you went in.  Own it, because it’s no one’s fault if you are going to live this lifestyle and no amount of whining and crying is going to change the fact that either you are a player and can handle what you are doing or you are getting played and need to stop and learn from your mistakes.

narcissistic asshole or nice guy…who knows, he just really fucking hot 😀

Then again there are the men who get upset because women generally focus on just a few hot guys that are total assholes, ignoring all the good guys who are available for not only sex but relationships as well (I guess good guys still finish last).  I can’t tell you what it is about narcissistic assholes that attract most women but I CAN tell you what I (and a majority of my friends) find attractive in a man.  A confident man who is not needy or what I like to call a stage 5 clinger.  You would think that they don’t exist and you only find that of the female variety but believe me I have news for you they’re out there in full force.  No woman wants to date a pussy, plain and simple.  I want an intelligent man who can actually keep up with me in a conversation and sometimes challenge me…wow is that really too much to ask??  Someone with some integrity, humility, empathy and sense of humor is nice and I saved the best for last, it’s always nice if they can fuck like crazy but you know that CAN BE TAUGHT to the young ones (I find you can’t teach the old dogs new tricks though).  One that isn’t afraid of intimacy is a plus but extremely hard to find.  Sometimes some of these traits come later in the relationship if you are willing to wait but that is a crap shoot that can blow up in your face.  I have heard that men look for a lot of those same qualities so why would it be such a stretch to want them yourself.  Girls if you are settling for less than you want, then you are shortchanging yourself.

Why do men automatically think that once we have sex that this is what every woman expects after the VERY FIRST TIME??

I can tell you one thing that some of these guys need to realize though is that not every woman that sleeps with them has some delusion or need to expect their hand in marriage and have their babies.  I swear some men are so full of themselves and it is so frustrating for women to have to illuminate these douchebags that they don’t NEED them to feel whole and they are certainly not the only man on earth with a dick.  I mean a lot of women DO want something more but for every man to just assume that every woman expects the whole 2.5 kids and picket fence is asinine beyond belief. We do live in the 21st century, men are ALWAYS disposable…ever heard of this new-fangled device called a VIBRATOR???

Finding your soul mate in this lifetime isn’t always easy but if we are lucky sometimes it just happens

While doing my research for this blog (yeah whether it seems like it or not I do research), I stumbled on a brilliant study *sarcasm* I have to admit there were some things that I agree with but the majority of it is such bullshit I had to laugh.  Here is the stuff that actually makes sense on some level. Who we love isn’t always a choice.  I do have to agree with this statement.  Sometimes finding the perfect lover just happens and is completely out of your control.  It may be someone you never thought possible or someone you don’t even want to love but you can’t help yourself, they might just be your soul mate.  Here are some of the most obvious stereo types known to man (and woman) since the dawn of time or at least relationships.  So what are they?  Well, men want good looking women!!!  Hey, really?  No shit Sherlock.  Given the choice of a hot body/bimbo and someone that is let’s say not quite as hot (say an older overweight woman with a brain like ME for instance) the majority of men are gonna choose the hot body.  Why?  Because they think with their dicks or the massive amount of testosterone that courses through their bodies, I

face it ladies, this is REALLY what men want

suppose it really isn’t their fault but it still sucks.  OK get ready, second….women want to be with men that have MONEY.  Duh. Yeah because living in poverty is always something you strive for.  The one thing that neither of these things accounts for is that occasionally but unfortunately not very often there are a few people that DON’T look at those as reasons for their ideal mate.  They also go on to say that our perfect lover is established by the age of ten.  Really, then I would be with a tall gangly dark tan boy with a perfect smile that loves to throw crab apples at me and has pet tarantulas (I think that was him)!!! Yeah I am talking about you Troy Hershey from Capitola, CA 😀  Why oh why aren’t we married if this is the case???

Nothing better than hot passionate sex

So in closing conjecture would lead us to believe there is nothing wrong with casual sex but you need to either be aware that the chance of this leading to an actual commitment from someone is slim to NONE.  The abuse to mind and body for some of you does irreparable damage; you are just not ready for the consequences that go along with the common hook up.  Sure you act like it doesn’t bother you but it eats away at you slowly.  Because for the majority of young women the reality is that casual sex is never truly casual no matter how much we tell ourselves that it is.

The expectation of reciprocation of oral sex is NOT wrong and quite frankly I think that it is about time men thought about what women need, before they think of themselves…..yeah Nan keep dreaming.

Peace, love, happiness and lots of safe sex


13 Comments

  1. Well after reading this I realize that writing while sleep deprived is not a good thing. It definitely lacks fluidity and for that I am sorry but I still think it gets my core points across and I hope you like it. Feel free to comment and if you have issues with commenting you can always feel free to do it anonymously. I would however appreciate it if people were not rude just for the sake of being rude. I deal with it on a lot of my other blogs and I will say this….this is NOT a blog about Kristen Stewart, so if you have something to say about her or my opinion on her go to one that is but leave the comments to the actual subject at hand PLEASE. I am always up for a good debate so don’t be shy if you don’t agree with what I have said 😀

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  2. Hey Sexy! I LOVE your blog this time. The pics are so true! About the one where the girl is ashamed about a random hook up. That is sooo true I was about 22 when I did my first random and it legit made me feel like garbage. But for some reason I did it just because I felt like I had to. Which really I was getting out of a serious relationship with my first love and first time and it was making me emotionally and mentally unstable. So I learned quickly that me and Randoms do not mix. I need to be in love with someone or at least know the guy. However after 3 years Im getting to the point where I just want to fuck. However back to my point. I totally agree with all you said. WIth women being so open about sex nowadays it is liberating that we can freely do what we want and need. I mean to think almost 20 somthing years ago men Still thought that women didn’t desire sex or think about it.. That is sickning to me. i have a mans mind and lebido and I tihnk about it ALOT. My god I have a parents who well lets just say know thier desires. then they made me a VERY sexual woman and sometimes it is imbearable sometimes.
    But you know this already! 🙂 Love you and keep writing cause I love a reading!!! :-0

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  3. lemme clarify about the feeling like garbage with the random. I wasn’t ready yet! Emotionally was NOT ready to do hook ups. And really figured out it was not for me. However this is not everyone. Obviously.

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    • Thanks love for not only the comment but for the explanation because there are people who might not have understood. I have to admit I am not the hook up type at this point in my life but I am not saying it can NEVER happen, it is just not my first choice. With that being said, I have no illusion’s about relationships and what is expected or understanding that both parties just might not want the same thing. Communication is key in every relationship, not only if you want to have one but for sexual purposes as well. Not enough women communicate their desires to their partners and they end up unsatisfied, yet they are too afraid to rock the boat and complain because they are so afraid of losing that relationship that they put up with it. I would rather be single than have to deal with that shit. I said that we need to do whatever we can (in this instance blow jobs) to please our man and keep the relationship healthy but that doesn’t mean he is the only one that is important. Maybe I should have clarified this. Anyway, I am tired and once again this comment is all over the place and probably makes NO sense :p

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  4. what bugs me most about the whole random hook ups stuff is that a guy can bang 20+ girls within a couple months and they are “the man” “the shit” blah blah but if a girl sleeps with more than two or three in that peirod their are a slut or whatever choice word is populer at the time. its bs. i’ve never slept with a stranger, i’ve had a couple “buddies” when i was single and having fun but now that i’m with my man the sex is so fucking amazing i could have it all day every day. even if i don’t get off its still fucking amazing. emotion, love and passion make it so much better. i swear sex as good as ours shouldn’t be legal lol.

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    • EXACTLY Sarah, that is the point I was trying to get across. I mean I am not gonna bag on people that do it even if it seems like I just did I just think they should think about the consequences, especially the young girls. They don’t think about the aftermath that follows them whether it be after sex remorse and guilt or whatever. Some women just can’t handle it but yet they do it because they feel that they have no other options. For me I just feel that as hard as it is for me to be celibate right now it is worth it in the long run because I am not short changing myself on the things I want and deserve from my partner even if he is not the love of my life. As for you and you BF, of course what you are talking about is the whole chemical thing. I mean seriously you can almost get off from intimate touch…if it’s done right, TRUST ME 😀

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      • oh trust me i know. once bryan was just kissing/suckin/bitting my neck and i almost got off. it was amazing!!!

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  5. Just wanna say Nans, u fucking rock!!! I loved this article so much, i’m gonna re-read it at least two more times lol….seriously though, you have a true talent for conveying what everyone is really thinking but is too ashamed/scared/whatever to say in real life. I especially loved the pictures, they so went with what you were talking about. I did a lot of things in my 20’s that I used to be ashamed of but now i realize were quite tame lol….but anyway, thanks for enlightening us all, and giving us something to talk about…love ya!!

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  6. Interesting take on hookups! in my experience, if a woman makes a man scale the walls, its next to impossible to get rid of him the following day. My son’s Dad was a prime example..Men and Women adore confidence and being choosy which is another element of sexual attraction. to value one’s self not just hopping into bed for the sake of fucking..ANYBODY can fuck strangers do it all the time….its not just the chemicals or the body that merits attraction, there’s a slew of personal mental and physical buttons in every person that is unique to all of us, you are right in the assumption that sex takes place in the brain, I’ll take it a step further, I want the guy to have more than 3 brain cells to spark something more than an occasional grunt.. otherwise I’ll have that delightful affair with my dildo..

    f

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  7. Wow…where to start?! Nan, great job expressing yourself, as usual! You have a talent for talking about things in an open, honest way that most people would shy away from. I admire that!

    Casual hookups….I don’t believe there is such a thing. Each person has emotions afterward, be it a simple “I got some” attitude or something more complex. I am not nor will I ever be someone who could hook up with someone causally. My emotions and heart would never allow it, nor would my upbringing. I do have several girlfriends who have hooked up with dozens of men and most of the time they would like to forget it ever happened.

    I believe we should teach our children about sex starting at a very young age, possibly 10 or so…but only give enough information for their age and maturity level. Kids are having sex way too young and most of them only do it because they’ve heard about it and think it will make them cooler or part of the “In crowd”. It’s extremely sad to me.

    As for oral sex…I agree that women do NOT get it enough. Most men have no clue what they are doing and most don’t care enough to ask what the woman they’re with wants or needs. I also completely agree that men LOVE oral sex. I, myself, love giving it. I’ve never had any complaints, but after reading your blog, I have to wonder if you know any secrets or movest that I don’t! LOL!! Maybe you shoudl write your next blog about the proper way to give a successful and enjoyable blow job. I would definitely tune in for that one!

    In closing..I believe whoever you sleep with, you sleep with everyone that person has slept with. Just my opinion. I also think too many pregnancies happen thru casual hook ups or when kids have sex.

    Much love…and happy orgasms!

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    • Well first off, thank you Jodi for the great comment. I whole heartedly agree with so much of what you said. I don’t think that people really picked up on the fact that I was writing about the psychological implications of the casual hook up and how no matter how popular it might be, it can be detrimental to the mental well being of many of the young girls that are participating in them. There are however women that are strong enough to handle them and that is alright as well.

      As far as blow jobs go, ha ha, you kill me girl. I do have to say that I have been told by my ex-husband that I am the “best” he has ever had and apparently he has had many, so I not only take that as a compliment but a huge boost to my confidence in this area. lets just say I know where my strengths lie. As for writing a blog to give lessons, Well I am not so sure that I am quite in the position to do that but I suppose I can message you and give you pointers, if you TRULY want them 😀

      Love you girl and hope to hear more of what you have to say on future blogs…and I am hoping to get back to writing more, so there WILL be future blogs 🙂

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      • Nan…seriously..HOOK ME UP!…with tips and such. E-mail me, honestly I’d love it!

        Writing is such an amazing talent and an outlet both for the reader and the writer. I hope you continue to blog about …well anything you want to. It may take a reminder for me to read them, but I love reading your blog.

        Much love and blessings!

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