LOVE ~ Are We Playing a Losing Game and in the End is it Really Worth It? Yeah I think So….


Well, I thought I would take the time to write another blog.  I know I haven’t been writing a lot and then the last time I did some considered my opinions quite shocking to say the least.  Hey what can I say, I write what I think and feel, sue me.

I am going to write another blog about relationships tonight, mainly love.  I am sure you are getting ready to back on out of here but I promise this is not going to be all about sex.  Believe it or not just because I am extremely sexual does not mean I don’t have a heart or do not believe in love.  In fact it would be quite the contrary.  I am quite mushy when it comes to love and whole heartedly believe that it is not just some phenomena out there, it truly does exist for most people.

Have I written about love before?? Yeah but I think since then I have grown as a person and have been able to take a step back, take the rose colored glasses off and really look at the situation in a whole new light and from a different perspective.  I will still draw on my own experiences and feelings or this would not be my blog it would just be a bunch of shit you could read anywhere else and what’s the point of that but I will also look at love from something that sometimes seems foreign to women.  I will try and give you a perception of love from a male standpoint.  OK you are asking yourself how on earth I would possibly know what goes on in the brain of any man but I can tell you that not only have I had relationships, been married and separated from my husband, had male friends but I also have a grown son who is in a very serious relationship whom I have spoken to on this subject more than once.  No I didn’t do blind studies, direct interviews, surveys or any of that crap but I assure you I know enough about men to know what I am speaking about and if any men stumble on this blog, by all means if need be, feel free to correct me in the comments. :p

So, I am CONSTANTLY asked to write about relationships by people and god knows why….I’m the queen of failed relationships but I digress….what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?

chances are these two dont have the faintest idea what REAL love is

I said a long time ago in another blog (and I still stand by this) that love is an extremely powerful emotion and should not be taken lightly.  It is not some fuzzy little thing you just “feel” at the drop of a hat.  It is not some hormonal chemical thing that you feel when you look at someone, that my friends is lust or what I like to call being horny.  Just because you feel the need to go circulate for samples with someone doesn’t mean you are in luuuurve, but hey have fun.

No, love is so much more but to tell you the truth I can’t even tell you why.  How do we decide who we love or better yet WHO decides for us because to me it seems like a much greater force than just ourselves deciding our destiny.  Sometimes we can’t help who we love and it makes no sense to us why we do or how we started to feel the way we did in the first place, but we just do and now for all intents and purposes it just seems right. Who are we to judge what is right for one person or the other when it comes to their love life?  Is it written in the stars or is it just dumb luck?  Well, I am not going to give my opinion on that particular subject unless someone asks me directly. Are we pre-ordained to be with only one person that will be the love of our life or ten people?  Who really knows?

What exactly does the word love mean?  If you were to look it up in the dictionary it can be described with many different meanings in several contexts. The meaning of love is always debated, whether it be love of a friend, love of God, love of man or plain love of human kind, etc. and so on but I suppose we can clearly define it by figuring out what it ISN’T.  As I said before love is not some fuzzy feeling you get when you see someone across the room or that stirring feeling that makes you want to jump someone’s bones.  IT ISN’T EVEN JUST A STRONG FORM OF “LIKE”

Too many people equate love with “strongly like” or “lust”. They assume that because they are extremely “sexually attracted” to someone or they “strongly like” them that they MUST be in love. When you say the words “I love you”, you need to have the desire to show someone that you love them.  You can’t just WANT to be in love and *poof* if happens, sorry.

This my friends is not love but lust obsession and pure sexual energy.  Is it hot, hell yes but it’s still not actual love.

When you make that leap to actual love and tell someone that you love them make sure that you actually mean it.  Love is a beautiful thing that should not be taken lightly.  Most people don’t seem to get this concept and it kind of pisses me off.  They think they are in love at the slightest little thump of their heart and then don’t EVEN get me started on the people that just use the words I love you in

Just because they say it doesnt always mean they MEAN it but it SHOULD

every sentence.  On that note I think I should clarify because I have been known to profess my love to many people (my friends) and I am very liberal with the word but that is not what I am talking about right here.  I am talking about romantic love which is very much different from just loving people that are close to you.  I have very deep feelings for all my friends and I DO love them but I also don’t go out and tell the first dude I am with for five seconds that I am in love with him.  Being IN LOVE with someone is very different than just loving someone and I hope my readers know the difference but if you don’t feel free to ask.

Emotional romantic love is extremely powerful, it is commitment, joy and it is tender and passionate.  There is an intimacy involved with a deep longing desire, it is sensual yet unconditional and when you are in love and tell someone you love them you need to mean it and be willing to do anything for that person because love should never be taken lightly it is the most important thing that we will ever feel in our lives. I know that I would travel to the ends of the earth for the man I love because no matter what the situation was I know I could never be apart from him, not physically or spiritually.  When I give myself to love, I give my whole body and soul and unfortunately this has hurt me in the past but when it comes to love I guess I am one of those “all or nothing” type folks. 

You know a while ago a friend of mine was talking to me and I was telling her I was having a hard time writing this blog.  Not because I don’t know about love but because I guess I have had so many ups and downs I didn’t want to give bad advice in this area to people that have asked me to write about this specific topic.

I won’t lie, love CAN hurt but it can be amazing too

We had a discussion and basically agreed that love is workbut it is worth it.  She talked about how so many people talk about how they can never love again because they feel so much pain from their last relationship but the funny thing about that is that true love comes with so many complications.  With any relationship there will be fightswe will feel pain and hurt, we’ll scream and get frustrated with each other and our emotions tend to take over but you know what?  With all that pain comes the most amazing thing, you have joy that can’t compare to anything in the world. Truly loving someone is the most touching and outstanding thing you could possibly feel in your life and almost magical.

The people that are so afraid of getting hurt are really only hurting themselves because they are denying themselves of the one thing that truly makes life worth living.  Is love scary?? Of course it is, but having someone you love and getting that love in return is a feeling that can’t be matched EVER.

When the person you love looks at you with such emotion that you can feel it to your core and in your soul, someone you feel comfortable enough to just be yourself around who you can talk to and laugh with, someone who is truly your other half who is there when you fall asleep AND when you wake up for however long you are together whether it be for a lifetime and eternity or just a few months is the most beautiful thing in the world. This doesn’t have to be a Barbie and Ken type relationship either.  There are no” they lived happily ever after’s” in real life, I mean there are but they are all different and that is OKSome people find love and share it together but never share it with the world; they have passionate love affairs that are known only to them.  Some people go out and shout it on the roof tops and some people are just content with just being with each other in whatever context they are able to be together.

So I said earlier I was going to talk a little bit about what men feel about love, I am  going to tell you some of the things that I have heard men say over and over about women, what they hated about them and what they loved about them.  First off what they hate…..Like I said this is not some scientific study it is just what I can vaguely remember and what just makes a whole hell of a lot of sense and to tell the truth what would bug ME if I was a dude.

I promise you NO MAN wants a desperate needy woman

I think that a lot of women tend to be needy and I am really not sure why.  Do I want a man to tell me I look pretty when I get all made up? Sure but do I need a man to constantly be responsible for keeping my emotions in check and I am balanced?? HELL NO.  That is not their job; I mean we really should love ourselves after all if we don’t love ourselves who is going to love us?

Something else that I have to admit that I have been guilty of and I will not lie, is that I have wanted to manipulate men’s feelings but c’mon what woman doesn’t (don’t even try and lie about it)?  The problem is MEN HATE THIS!!!

They also hate the fact that we never want to give them space and think we should be included in everything.  Personally I think that half of this is jealousy and mistrust on our parts and to tell the truth that is just fucked up on about 100 different levels because without trust your relationship is FUCKED….but I shouldn’t have to tell you this, now should I?  Girls, get your own life and your own friends.  Let him have a life outside of the relationship or it is doomed from the start.

This one is really tough for me but my husband used to tell me this (whenever he wanted sex that is) if you don’t like your body or feel sexy how am I supposed to feel about it?  Okay well it wouldn’t hurt to go back to that little thing where you guys give us a little positive re-enforcement, maybe not ALL of the time but once in a while….just sayin.

OK so I couldnt really find a pic the would depict “sex as a weapon” so this is a little tongue in cheek 😀

Alright this is the thing that pisses me off and I have my own personal reasons for this one that I won’t go into.  When women use sex as a tool or weapon.  They use it to get things or to hurt or piss off their mate.  I have known too many women like this and I just want to clock them because sex is sex is sex, if I haven’t said it before…did I say that sex is GOOD and should be something we both want to do NOT use for personal gain….God women can be straight up bitches. Side note……Blow jobs are fun girls and our men LOVE THEM!!!!!

Last but not least and this one is always fun for me being Bi-Polar and all, men just LOVE a woman that is moody for no reason and then won’t give them a clue as to why….NOT.  Most of the men I know are not mind readers, when you find one let me know and I will snatch his ass away from you right quick  😀

So you are saying OMG, I can’t win!!!! Yeah you can, you just have to stop and take some advice from someone who has done EVERYTHING wrong at least once in her life and actually LISTEN to what I have to say.

Men are actually quite simple even though we always peg them as these complex creatures.  They want to be appreciated and is that really that hard?  I mean why did we fall in love with them in the first place?  There has to be something that you can stroke his ego with sometimes.  Just as they don’t want to do it to us, I don’t think it is fair to have to do it constantly and quite frankly if I had to do it tomy man I would seriously be looking for his vagina.  No man should be looking for compliments 24/7. 

Men are no different than we are in one aspect and they want our respect.  If a man deserves my respect he will get it, on the other hand if he doesn’t he won’t and most likely he won’t be with me for long.  I have lived and learned that very hard lesson and won’t go down that road again.  They don’t want to hear us piss and moan about everything either and that is understandable, I mean do you like it??  Yeah didn’t think so*

OK ladies this is the most important thing that all of us should know and I wish I had known my whole life.  It would have saved me a lot of time, heartache and hot air.  Most men’s attention span is about 3 minutesThey don’t give a shit about the details.  I have learned this from my son who is CONSTANTLY shutting me down about halfway through a conversation.  It fucking drives me nuts and I am still learning but I do get it, one of these days I will act on what I know.  Same with your Facebook messages, notes, voicemails and texts.  It’s not that they don’t care about you they just want you to get to the point as quickly as possible.  Pisses you off?? Yeah me too because as you can tell I am a little wordy in getting my point across.  Moral of this though is we can’t get all butt hurt over it because it is just NOT going to change no matter how much it sucks.

The problem here is that we as woman just don’t know men no matter how much we THINK we do.  They are hard wired completely differently than we are and just don’t think the same way that we do and when we assume that they do and think we know everything, there is a very good chance that our relationship has gotten off to a bad start and is basically doomed.

Here I am going to contradict myself.  Although men want women that are confident and independent, sometimes they look at that independence in a negative way and wonder if we really need them at all.  Men NEED to feel needed, it is an integral part of their ego and they will assuredly ask themselves what it is that we want from them.

Just as they dont want us at their feet they dont want to be at the mercy of a woman who is self sufficient and stronger than them

We as women basically can’t win in this instance because we think they want us to be independent and they DO but at the same time they don’tnot really.  We think that if we show our independence that it will make us more appealing and possible for him to love us more and for ourselves.  Anyone who thinks this way has obviously never had a successful relationship with a man.  There truly is a balance to this.  A man will wonder about our ability to take care of ourselves and it will fester and he will come to the conclusion that our motivations are for sex because in his mind we clearly do not need him so what else could there possibly be?  GOD forbid we weren’t trying to do what men have said they want from women forever now, BE INDEPENDENT STRONG WOMEN *face palm*

Hurting a man’s pride is never a good thing and will end up being the undoing of your relationship. Of course, there are other tried and true ways to mishandle a man’s pride.  I can tell you that no man wants to compare his achievement with yours.  Are you the cat’s pajamas?? Great but just don’t go rubbing his face in how great you are, once again this goes back to stroking his ego just a bit.  Let’s face it, no matter how strong, independent or awesome men are, they are babies that need reassurance too.  Everything they hate about us, they kind of expect from us.  They may deny it but I am gonna call bullshit on that RIGHT NOW.  I was married for 22 years and my husband was not a pussy but he expected everything I am talking about and more but when it came time to dish it out you would have thought it was a fucking federal crime.

One thing that men don’t want or need that most women have this obsessive need to change them.  I am not sure why we (or I should say some of you) Feel the need to do this.  We fell in love with them for a reason, why change them?  They do stuff that bugs you, so what believe me we do a BUNCH of shit that bugs them and that my friends is what we call balance in a relationship.  Every relationship has to have it.   Our job is to be supportive and loyal and love them for who they are and who they were when we first loved them.  Can a man grow in a relationship? Sure, that’s nice but if you are not happy with who they were in the beginning what in the hell are you doing in the relationship in the first place?

Over the years I have had many male friends and I would always hear them talk about one thing or another especially the things they liked.  Now I am obviously not a guy and if any of you male readers want to correct me on any of these, feel free to comment, I actually welcome it.  I already told you what I believe men hate about women and now I am going to try and do my best to remember some of the things that men love about women and maybe just maybe we can learn a thing or two.

No man can resist the power of the boob 😀

Unfortunately men are basically still cavemen.  They think with their dicks, therefore one of the main things that they look at in their women is their looks or physical attributes of some sort.

Show me a guy that doesn’t like some ass on a girl and well, he’s probably gay :D…

Now I have heard this can be everything from the way our hair falls in our face and smells to the curve of the small of our backs.  You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know guys like a little ass and when I say a little I am not talking a TINY ass I am talking some booty, bootylicious badonkadonk.  They also like boobage preferably real ones, I hear they feel better.  They are fascinated with them, they stare at them, love to touch them, play with them, put their mouths on them(wow thinking about this is getting me a little hot)use them as pillows…I suppose this goes back to being an infant and laying their heads on our chests hearing our hearts beating. Another thing?? Men like soft skin and we have it unless you are a piece of beef jerky from laying in the sun 24/7 but don’t even make me go there…..I have a feeling touching our soft skin beats yanking the wank any day.

I havent met a man yet that doesnt fall in love with a beautiful set of eyes, maybe almost as much as a beautiful set of boobs :p

They say the window to the soul is the eyes and I have to tell you that I have never heard a man say anything negative about a woman’s eyes or the fact that they are attracted to them.  My eyes are one of the things I get complimented on the most and I can tell you I eat that shit up, I have never had a man say oh I like everything BUT your eyes…..

Last but not least in the superficial arena are high heels.  I don’t know that I have EVER seen a porn movie (not that I have really watched any lately but...) where the girl took her shoes off.  Funny how her clothes automatically fall to the floor but man those shoes NEVER come off.  You know why?? Because high heels are sexy!!! They make our legs look better and they are a little bit slutty, not TOO much but just enough to create that fantasy that men want.

High heels and nothing else?? Depending on who you are, most men cant resist 😉

I am not gonna sit here and say that men don’t care about women on any other level because that just wouldn’t be fair or 100% factual but seriously, we kind of know this is the truth and these are the first things that men look for and I defy any man that reads this to correct me and be brutally honest.  In fact I welcome some male insight.

So as a woman I guess it would be my duty to mention the things that I think a majority of women love about the man in their life. Now a lot of these things vary for some people and this is where I love to get comments because I like hearing opinions and what others value in their lives.

Let’s face it, our first reaction is a sexual attraction but after that fact what is it that we look for in that long term mate?  Personally a great body is nice but for me it is really the last thing I need in a love relationship.  Just because they have big muscles doesn’t mean they have a huge heart or a huge dick for that matter, but back to love….. 

OK, this one is NOT gonna be for everyone but I have to say that I love a man’s scent.  I don’t know what it is but it drives me wild and can get me into bed faster than you can say pheromone. Many, many years ago I had a BF that left his shirt at my house and I slept with it every night, I just needed to be close to him and I did not want to wash it….EVER. Something about that connection, I wonder if men feel that way.

I want a man with a brain.  Being smart is sexy, I don’t care what you say if you can’t hold a conversation with someone what is the point, all they are is a piece of meat and thank you very much that is just not someone I can see myself loving.  They don’t have to be a genius but at least be able to engage in some sort of conversation with me and understand what I am saying without having to carry around a pocket thesaurus to understand my vocabulary.

I also want a funny person or somebody that just doesn’t take themselves that seriouslyThey can laugh at themselves, point out our flaws but in a sweet humorous way and make us be able to laugh about it too. To me goofy is good, but in moderation.

I want a man, no matter how strong and bold he is to be a little bit sensitive and endearing, to have a heart and not be afraid to sit and watch a chick flick or show with you (if they are willing to watch Glee you KNOW they are the man of your dreams).  I don’t want a pussy but sometimes a man that can show his vulnerable side is less of a pussy than a jackass that can’t.

I want a man to feel as protective as I do but at the same time not be some jealous freak.  There has to be a balance of trust and the need to be there for us when we are in need of a “big strong man”

Edgy and dangerous might be sexy but I don’t want him to be some flake either.  Sometimes being dependable is a good thing and living on the edge is not. Now being dependable can be anything from knowing when to actually pay their bills and change the oil in the car to just being there for you when you need them.

If your guy will even come within ten feet of you when you look like this hes a good guy. If hell kiss you on the back of the neck, hes a keeper

Last but not least, I want my man to have a burning passion and desire for me no matter what; fat/thin, if I am wearing makeup or any other factor.  If he wants to hit the sheets with me after seeing me in my robe, granny panties, face mask and curlers in my hair than girls he is KEEPER!!!

Alright I also want to address something has been brought up to me that just bugs the shit out of me.  Now this particular thing has been brought up to me by a person I respect and care about on a friendly level and it actually had NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE but it can apply to the topic so I figure what the hell I will use it.  Why is it that people think it is so damn important to have everything in common?  My “friend” said to me that we really didn’t have anything in common and honestly, I think it is a load of crap that people feel it is a prerequisite to love all the same things or be alike just to be friends, I guess I don’t understand that ideology more than anything.

Obviously you want to have some of the same core values because if you don’t have that, you might be arguing all of the time and that would just not be a lot of fun, but honestly to say that you need to be the same age, love the same books, music, TV shows or whatever is just plain asinine. Quite frankly I don’t really fit into the typical 44 year old woman’s mold, so to try and put me in that box and find someone my age with very many of the same things in common might be a little tough.

The reality is if you were to look at some of the most successful relationships FRIEND or otherwise you would be surprised at how little they have in common. I’m not saying that someone that loves the same things i.e.: anime and video games wouldn’t make great pals or whatever, or that if you have several things in common that you are doomed but hey guys it’s OK to be different. Personally I think that it is necessary to have at least a FEW things in common but quite honestly variety is the spice of life and many wonderful relationships have been built on differences.  Ever heard of yin and yang?  The forces of attraction are strong enough that going with your gut is a much better option than picking someone because of what you think they are or their “packaging”.

There is only one place that I might suggest being a little cautious about.  It is always great if your friends don’t hate your mate, I mean and then there is the fact that if your mate has a majority of friends that are convicted felons or drug dealers, well maybe this is not the man of your dreams, but then again that is a tough call because guilt by association isn’t fair either.

So now you are thinking, how do I even know if he is right for me?  Will I feel different in a year, ten years or even a lifetime?  Only you will know that and you will decide if you are one of those people that even WANT to be in it for the long haul.  Making that lifetime commitment is not always an ideal choice for everyone and it is deeply personal.  We all have different ideas of what makes the man of our dreams or our soul mate but I am gonna give you a head start on finding qualities in a man that will put you well on your way to finding that special someone.  Personally I think this should go both ways but unfortunately it doesn’t always.  When you are able to find any of these qualities in a man then it is really time to consider him a keeper.

One of the things that I can say are indicative of a true love relationship or at least for me is the fact that I can tell my lover anything and things that I would never tell anyone else.  I have that level of trust and comfort that telling him intimate details about my life is just something that is a given and I don’t ever want to hide anything from him.  This doesn’t mean blurt out some horrible secret after drinking too much in public but I think you get the idea.  Trust honesty and full disclosure are important keys to a healthy happy relationship.

The next one is geared more towards men than women.  This is something that not enough men are willing to do and if you find one that is then by God snag his ass up.  Men that can show you moments of weakness and vulnerability are REAL men.  Let me tell you that there isn’t a man on Earth that is strong 100% all of the time and for them to feel the need to act like they are, is stupid and immature.  If I have said it before I will say it again I would rather be with a real man than a robot any day.

One of the most important things that are needed in a relationship is respect.  This HAS to go both ways.  I was in a relationship for over 20 years that was lacking mutual respect and let me tell you it sucks.  You don’t have to be thrilled with everything he does or even like everything about him but if you don’t respect him there is no point is being in a relationship.

There are obvious things such as wanting to introduce you mate to your family, if you feel proud enough to show them off they must be fairly special.  You laugh and have fun together and you just feel like you can be yourself with them or you just feel like your mate just gets you.

Something that is key in a relationship too is that you are not afraid to disagree with your mate.  You can’t go through life caving in to what your beloved wants because you are afraid of losing them and they shouldn’t want that.  Again this is not the ideal relationship if this is what is going on.  On that same note, you should truly want to work out your differences and come together with compromises that work for both of you.

Of course there are the little things that actually are quite big if you think about it. Just being able to imagine a future with the one you love, it is not always as easy as you think.  Sometimes what we think we want is not always what we want for an eternity, it is just what is right before our eyes and is what is easy.  If you can’t imagine a future together than you don’t need to even continue in your relationship.

Being utterly attracted to them whether they are gorgeous or not is always nice.  I am not talking about the attraction you are thinking about, I am talking about that pull that makes you long for them all of the time and makes every moment with them just feel right.  The fact that they just make you feel like a better person ~ the best version of yourself that you can be, when you are around them without even doing anything is a good indication that they are “the one”.


So I said in another blog that one of the things people wish for more than anything else surprisingly enough is love.  More than money, fame or power or a long life, if they have that one person beside them they feel like they can do without the rest.  How do you feel about that?

So the question is why is TRUE LOVE such a hard thing to come by, why is it so hard to start and even more important make last? The reality is that it is hard work and it takes two to make a relationship work, especially a love relationship. This thing called love that we all grew up with in fairytales is a pile of shit…”and they fell in love, rode off to the unicorn forest where fairies frolic and fell in love and lived happily ever after”?? Yeah, give me a fucking break, it has never been this easy and it never will be but it is worth anything you have to put into it in the long run to make at least PART of that come true.

Like I said love is work and relationships are work and please do not let anyone tell you differently. The work isn’t necessarily all bad but it is not easy either. You need to be willing to give yourself to each other but when you do you will find that something magical can happen that everything you endured or any pain or work you put into it is worth it ten fold. 

So let’s raise a glass to all those lovers out there that have been lucky enough to find “the one” and keep positive thoughts that our day will come….eventually

Nan 🙂

~ lumen es, et vitam aeternam amor ~


Advertisements