Notes on Life, Love and Guilty Pleasures by Nans

So Welcome to my blogging site. 

As you will read on the following page, I am pretty new to this whole thing and have had nothing but trouble with this site since day one, so if my site seems all sucky, well…deal with it or go someplace else.

 I find in a world of video games, TV, surfing the web and texting no one seems to have the time to read and write anymore.  I am guilty of a few of those things, but I really try and take time out to both read and write because they are some of the things that I love and the things that are still important to me.  As I have said before, reading IS fundamental and I wish we could pound that into our children’s heads, but if WE don’t read ourselves what example are we setting for them? 

My site is broken down into 5 sections, Life, Love, Guilty Pleasures, Twilight and Misc.  Each section has a tab with links to each post.  You will find notes about all kinds of stuff just like it says.  I write about life or at least my take on it.  I write about my views on love, sex and relationships which sometimes can be shocking to some because I do not hold back anything where my opinions are concerned but I think you will find that is one thing throughout this site that has a common factor.  You might notice a lot of things written concerning Robert Pattinson which I suppose you could consider my Guilty Pleasure and I have just recently added a Twilight section because I just have too many Twilight related posts for the Misc. section anymore.  My Misc. section has whatever crap just doesn’t seem to have a home, so be prepared to find whatever there, because you just never know what I will write about next.

So it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see after about two seconds into my posts that I absolutely do not agree with the masses concerning Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, but that’s okay because I am also open to a good debate at any time, as long as the people that are reading this don’t feel the need to be total assholes to me because they don’t like my opinions.  REMEMBER, they are only opinions.  Go ahead and call me a bitch but if you want to take it any further, I suggest to just take it someplace else.

 I also feel like I DO need to mention that when I use the words Twi-Tard or mention other things, this does NOT apply to every Twilight fan, or it would apply to me too.  I am somewhat of a fan of the saga, and realize that not every fan is some crazed bimbo in love with Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart or the idea that Robsten is the miracle that will save our souls.

So I hope that since the majority of my posts have something to do with either Rob or are in someway affiliated with Twilight that people will not find the need to bag on me calling me an old shrew that is in love with Rob Pattinson and will curl up in the fetal position and die when I find out the fairytale is true, because quite frankly, I don’t believe for a second that they are together but I also don’t give a shit if they are or not.  I just think the whole idea of “Robsten” is fucking stupid and all about PR but then again thats JUST MY OPINION.

I like to pretend I can write so hopefully you will continue to read what I have to say no matter what your views are.  Peace, Love and Happiness to you and yours ~ Nans  

Alot of these blogs I wrote a LONG time ago and had posted over at Facebook so you will see me refer to them as notes in some of them and it’s too much of a pain in my ass to go in and change each one.  A lot of them are kind of outdated as well so even if they say they were written this last fall they weren’t.  Anyway, just thought you should know

 

In Memoriam ~ Preston Okesson

This is in memoriam to Preston Okesson who was taken from us far too early….

The other day my world came crashing in on me in a way that I never dreamed it would…no scratch that.  I DID dream this a few weeks ago, which makes it so much harder for me.

It was last Saturday morning and I had just gotten out of the shower and noticed I missed my phone.  When I realized both calls were from my son Derrick I called right away not truly expecting to hear or relive that horrible nightmare I had weeks earlier, telling me someone I love so much was gone.  When he spoke those words “Mom, Preston is no longer with us”  I think a little piece of me died too……

I loved that kid with all my heart and I would do anything for him. I think he could have asked me for the Moon and I would have found a way to give it to him. One chunk at a time if that’s what it took but somehow it would have been his. Anyone that knows me knows I would have done anything for Preston.

Preston Okesson was just 21 and probably had one of the most beautiful souls I have seen in my 44 years.  He was smart and funny and had an amazing amount of wisdom for someone his age but at the same time he possessed a sweet childlike quality that made him endearing to everyone he came in contact with .  In the time I knew him I think he only

Preston and Emily at my house last summer the night before she had to go back to school. When he couldn't go see her at her going away party they were going to have, I said bring the party here

got mildly annoyed once that I witnessed (and it was with me ) and I only saw him get sad and upset once, and that was only because his close friend was leaving for college and he didn’t think he would see her before she left.  Preston’s main goal in life seemed to be to make everyone around him happy.  I can honestly say that every moment with Preston was a joy and something that I will cherish forever.

Y’know I haven’t even known Preston a year but the impact he has had on my life and the lives of my children is tremendous.  Derrick my son met him one day or I should say re-connected with him (they went to high school together but didn’t really know each other that well) and brought him home like a little adorable stray and that was it, he was ours forever from that point on.  Whenever he had to go home to his family even for a day or two, the house just felt empty.  He was this spectacular ray of light, like a lighthouse that would guide you or a bonfire that would cast so much warmth on you that you never wanted to leave its side. Like moths to a flame we never truly wanted to be away from Preston for very long, something about his spirit was just that powerful.

Preston was even able to make someone like me see the best in myself. He made me feel like a better person, or the best person I could truly be and whats more he made me want to BE a better person and for a self loathing narcissist, well that’s a tall order but somehow he managed to chisel through my walls I had built up and find a way to get through when no one else could and I desperately needed a friend the most. He didn’t even know he was doing anything amazing or special.   He was just being…..well, Preston.

I have cried enough tears to fill the Great Lakes at this point but I keep trying to look back to little things that Preston would do or say, the things that seemed to connect us all to him and try to find any flicker of positivity in this because quite frankly it’s not fair and it doesn’t make any sense.  I have to do that or I will be swallowed up with grief.

I keep thinking about the time right after moving to Eugene from Bend and I was walking through Target looking for new pillows and all of the sudden I hear this little voice singing Paula Cole’s “I don’t want to wait” (and not very well) and I looked around and said “Preston what in the hell are you doing”, and he gave me this sheepish grin and said something like “I don’t know but this song is useless”.  I guess it had been playing over the speakers or something. Every time I hear that song now I laugh and automatically think of him

Tony, Lars, Preston, Emily, Mark and Derrick at my house last summer having one last night of fun before school

Then there were the times I would go out through the living room in the middle of the night to grab something to drink and the boys were engrossed in some stupid cartoon show (or that’s what I called anime) and damn it, if Preston and Derrick didn’t talk me into just sitting down for just one minute to watch. Every amazing episode of Death Note later……

Then there was Silent Hill…watching Preston play Silent Hill was probably one of the highlights of the time he spent with us over the summer.  I know sounds kinda weird but seriously…I don’t know what was more fun, waiting for the creepy marshmallow zombie looking things to attack or Preston to scream like a little girl when they did.  He was so adorable and I will never forget him all bundled up in a sleeping bag in front of my flatscreen in our pitch black living room, gasping and squealing with each level.

Then there are all the times when he and Derrick would come and sing the theme from Captain Planet, but sometimes when I wasn’t expecting it he would be right behind me and start singing while Derrick was in front of me so would I jump just a little bit (what a little shit).

When he stayed over at our house all the time before we moved, Preston and I had coffee time.  It was the time in the morning before everyone else got up and we would just have a cup of coffee or two together, sit on the porch and just talk about whatever, it really didn’t matter but it was our time when everything was still quiet and nice and things weren’t so hectic.  I like to think he appreciated that time as much as I did; we had some really nice conversations over those few months.

A true work of art.....

Then there is the KINGS CUP.  That damn cup, I swear you could have bought 5 cups that were bigger and made substantially better for what Derrick and Preston put into that damn thing but when it was all said and done they had a masterpiece that would rival….. well, somebody but it was their masterpiece and they were extremely proud.  I am so very glad that I never got a chance to ask if I could just throw the cup away because it got broken at some point, is held together with duct tape and all it does is clutter up and take up shelf space.  As far as I am concerned from here on out, it will be treated like fine china and flatware, it will end up being our first family heirloom.

One of the last things that makes me smile and cry at the same time because it is so prophetic, is how my close friend Kahat looked at him and thought he looked kind of elfin (I had always thought that too ) and asked him to put his hands on his hips and say “I am Pan” as in Peter Pan….the boy who never grows up.  I guess she was right because that was only a few weeks ago and he will never have a chance to grow, get married, have children or experience the love of his lifetime .  He told Kahat that he could learn a lot from me and I only wish I had been able to teach him what he needed to know before it was too late but I am confident we will meet again in another life.

I choose to believe that like Peter Pan, Preston is now in Never Neverland where he will play and have fun and be waiting for the rest of his lost boys (Derrick, Anthony, Austin and the others) to join him on whatever great adventure comes next and we will find him if we go to the second star to the right and straight on till morning ~

You know how sometimes you meet someone and you feel like you have known them forever but you just met them?  You hear people say it all the time, “Dude I feel like I’ve known you my whole life” well if you believe in past lives and re-incarnation, which I do, nothing I say next will seem like a big deal but some people might raise a brow at this next part so y’know it is, what it is.

I am quite sure that my soul has crossed paths with dear little Preston’s before and we were great pals in a different life.  I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him, I felt like I knew him forever and so I was really comfortable around him.  I think he got a little freaked out by that fact and never quite understood any of it but maybe now that his soul is out there bouncing around looking for a new home, he might finally get it.

When we do see each other again, I’ll say “hey how’s it goin”, break out in a chorus of “I Don’t Want to Wait” or “Captain Planet” and we’ll go hang out, party a little bit and catch up on old times.  Until then, I’ll do my best to honor Preston by living my life the way he’d would want me to; he was a happy guy that wanted people around him to be happy and content. He lived his life to the fullest each day without regret and somehow, someway I will find a way to remember that the next time I feel devastated over losing him because I don’t believe for a second that Preston would think the world should just stop spinning because he’s no longer with us in his body, we have to remember we still have his spirit amongst us and if we hold on to that we’ll hold on to him forever.

This song was written by Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters and was dedicated to Curt Cobain after his death but I love this version of it by David Cook. The song is about ordinary people who are heroes to us, which I think in a way Preston fits that description. He was everything a hero should be and more…..

Definition of HERO

: a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities

: one who shows great courage

: an object of extreme admiration and devotion

 

To my little Peter Pan ~ 

‘You know that place between sleep and awake? The place where you can still remember dreaming. That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting ~ J.M. Barrie from the book Peter Pan